non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
