So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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