shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
