thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
