I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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