I can text with my tongue
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
