i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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