okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I want a musical about memes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
