They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
