I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
