I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
