ya dads aren't the best wingmen
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
