I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
