I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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