i used baking grease as lip gloss
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
