I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
