I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
