someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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