I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wish my penis had a tongue
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
