you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
