if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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