dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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