I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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