Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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