I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
