Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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