my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
