one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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