Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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