So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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