Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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