how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
