you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
