I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
