I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
