i don't like sucking hair
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We talked him into tasing himself.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
