Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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