Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
