Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
