last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
