You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
