sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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