shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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