just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
