I got chris browned last night
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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