I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
