Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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