I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
