Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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