im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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