dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
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HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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