Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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