Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
