I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.