peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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