I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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