i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.