i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich