i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
