I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
