My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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