I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
