Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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