false alarm. still invincible.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
